Whoooo are you???

Well that's an interesting question isn't it?

If someone were to ask you this, you may at first tell them your name. "I'm so and so". But that's just a name. It isn't WHO you are.

Maybe you'd tell them what you do or where you live...but then again, those are just what you do and location info...not WHO you are.

Maybe you will be able to recant your life story or tell all the people you are connected to...but it still doesn't come close to WHO you are.

You know. The one behind your eyes. The one that is inside. Even if something tragic were to ever happen to you, and your body was not even what you or others would recognize as "you" ....you would still be YOU inside.  Stephen Hawking found that out the hard way.

I read a lot. Mostly self help books and do it yourself kind of books. I used to read a lot of fiction, and I still enjoy it on the big screen, but fiction to me is not as helpful.

I want to know me. Like I've been trying to figure me out for a long, long time. Almost 55 years now. And sometimes I'm amazingly brilliant, and sometimes I'm a quivering mass of jello. And this got me thinking....

You know that guy that talks to himself on the street? You know the one. He's carrying on a wild conversation and he answers his own questions. Probably schizophrenic or crazy, right? I mean, that's the first thing that goes on in your mind, isn't it? That and "OMG. I'm so glad I'm not like that guy."

But WE ARE LIKE THAT GUY.

Except we don't talk outloud, most all human beings have that running dialog going on, in their head, almost every second of the day!

It goes like this:

"I really should get ready to go."
"But you've got like 20 minutes yet."
"Yah, but I don't know what to wear."
"You will look great no matter what you wear."
"Oh yah, right. I'm 100#s overweight."
"No you aren't. If you were, you'd be anorexic or bulimic."
"Well, I'm fat."
 "Well, you don't get enough exercise."
"That's true. I used to like to exercise...but now I'd rather read."
"Will you just get going now? You have like only 5 minutes left and you haven't even had breakfast."
"Mmmm...breakfast. But we don't have any eggs..."

and on it goes. We talk to ourselves almost every freaking minute. God forbid your husband or boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't call you when they said they would. Then the self talk can get ugly and vicious and paranoid. "Why don't they call? What did I do? I'm sure they are with someone else they like better...Oh what the hell is wrong with me, they are just a little late. They'll be here soon. No they won't they hate you. You are just being dramatic. They love you. They love you terrible bad. They're just an idiot. Why do I always pick idiots for those close to me? Do I like being stood up? NO. I would never do that to a person. But maybe I have and didn't mean to. Maybe that's what's happening now...."

Back and forth and so it goes. A 100 miles a minute. And we don't even realize we are doing it half the time. We talk to ourselves when we are driving in the car, waiting on a bus, trying to go to sleep...that's the worst one of all...Has this scenario ever happened to you?

"Oh man, (check clock) it's like 3:30am. I can't sleep. This off and on sleep is awful. Freaking menopause. Hot too. Maybe if I just try working out that problem I'll get myself to figure it out while I'm awake. No good. It's just making me more anxious. Maybe I should get up and read a book. No, I'm too tired. Crap it's like 5am now. I've got a big meeting today! Of fer fuck's sake. Zzzzzzzzzz."
Then the alarm rings right about the time you just fell back to sleep once you got tired of your inner dialog.

Look, we all do this stuff. Just think if there was an actual person sitting next you, telling you all this stuff instead of it being all bottled up in your head. After about a day of it, even if you loved them, you'd tell them to shut the fuck up!
And so should we.

I asked my husband about all this self talk and he doesn't see a problem with it. That's because he doesn't actually do the chatter as incessantly as I do. NO. He runs schematics. TRULY.  He runs fucking schematics or plays Free Cell games in his head.

Honey, you and your hobbies.

But then again, he isn't as pendulum swinging wild as I can be either, because he doesn't listen to his self talk because he doesn't do much of it. He's learned to tone it down or eliminated it.

Sometimes, I do mantras or chants or prayers. This helps self talk shut up, because I've introduced something for my brain to do.

This one is very good: It's catchy and I like it. I do it in the tanning booth sometimes while. (muscle past the advertisement to get to the good stuff)
Sa Re Sa Sa Mantra
It's very, very good for calming the mind and finding Center. Or Shakti. Spirit. What'ere you want to call it. 

The constant inner dialog has been portrayed as being like that proverbial Angel and Devil on our shoulder.

But our Inner talk sometimes is just bullshit. It's not an Angel, nor a Devil. It changes sides in an instant. You can't trust it sometimes. One minute it's hating one thing and then it's loving it just a few seconds later. It's a poser.

No, WHO we are is the one BEHIND all that talk. The best thing to do to start trying to control it, in order to minimize it and then eliminate is to just OBSERVE IT when you are doing it.

Be the Observer.  Just become AWARE that we are doing this inner self talk. Watch yourself go through the emotions. Watch the activity of your brain, sit back inside it, and watch it happen.

Which of course, makes me think of Mystery Science Theater...with...
"The Observer."
You know, that weird mysterious cloaked guy that holds his brain in a bowl and just "observes" life.
Yah.
HIM.
Brain Guy.

That's who we are. INSIDE. Or at least that's who we SHOULD be. If we could only fucking LISTEN.
That way we can look at what our brain is doing and note how repetitious we are and how we loop on ourselves. If we could only just enjoy life instead of reacting to emotions and getting caught in our self talk.

 Instead, though, our Inner Dialog is much like some of the other characters in the Fredian book of Life VIA
Mystery Science Theater.:

Id: Professor Bobo, Tom Servo, Crow- total impulse and instinctual to get whatever they need.
     Running mouth dialog, pleasure seekers...can justify damn near anything....and demands that you fix it!

 Ego:   Pearl Forester, seeks pleasure, avoids pain, and sets up strategies to do so.
                 Ego usually drives the bus!  YAH.
                 "Ego is not your AMIGO."
          

Super ego: Mike Nelson, always putting the moral judgement spin on things.
                 He's always trying to make sense of life. Whatever life throws at him.
                 Not always successful.

Who we are? We are all these characters in some way...
but if we really want to shut our inner unproductive dialog the fuck up, maybe we should just
be more like the Brain Guy.

When you get caught up in emotions...just be aware of the self talk. Watch it. Don't participate in it.
Just OBSERVE what you are doing. Avoiding something painful? Just be aware that there is pain.

You don't have to change anything for now.

Just sit inside, behind your eyes, and watch the antics of the characters of your mind and what they DO.

For now...that is enough.
Just to be aware.
Just to OBSERVE.
And let it go.

And now, it's time for the Movie! I wonder what it will be?
:)

Splash, Crash and Gas!

The Universe will provide.

Oh you say that, and you hope so, and you hope for the best....

and guess what?

IT DOES.

I am writing to give thanks to the Universe, Gods, Guardian Angels, and all the Good Spirits that have kept me, my home and loved ones safe this week.

Some people would say we've had a "Week from Hell" but honestly, I think we have been blessed.

Here's WHY:

1) A week ago TODAY:
Lots of snow and cold here in CNY took its toll on our water pipes in the basement and one of our water pipes broke inside our basement.
Bad news, YES.
HOWERE...
The Good news:
a) We were here at the time (i.e. it didn't happen a couple of weeks earlier when we were away in Florida!)
b) We discovered it immediately and Harry turned off the main feeder pipe asap (yeah, he was cold and frozen and the basement was sopping wet..) BUT it didn't damage the furnace, or the new water heater...
and it broke FORWARD of the meter so we didn't have to pay for all that lost and wasted water!
c) Got a great plumber who said it was an "easy fix" and it only cost us $270.
All in all, it could've been MUCH worse but it wasn't!

2) 3 days after that...On this last Sunday:
Harry was coming home from work and came up to an intersection in his van and approached a red light with two cars stopped in each lane in front of him. (a divided highway/average speed 55mph).
He stepped on his normally trusty brakes.
NOTHING.
Pedal to the floor, no pumping up, no resistance, no NOTHING.
Harry still moving FORWARD and approaching 2 cars parked at red light at John Glenn Blvd and Route 370 (a dangerous intersection.)
What did he do?
(besides shite himself????)
We think something akin to a MIRACLE happened next.
It was like a moment in a Harry Potter movie on the Knight Bus where the bus squeezed itself skinny and he slid between the parked cars at the red light.
He then miraculously flew through the intersection, amazingly the cars in the intersection stopped to avoid hitting him careening through and he avoided hitting FOUR vehicles (2 at red light and 2 in the intersection from different directions.)
He then came to a stop, (Finally) only because the road inclined and momentum ceased. He then started going backwards (again...WITHOUT brakes....) and came to rest upon a happy chunk of ice on the side of the road.
Bad news, YES.
HOWERE,
The Good News, is that He and many others...could have been killed or seriously injured....but NO ONE was hurt.  Even the van received no dents that we know of (it sat on the side of the road there awaiting a tow truck for almost 48 hours because of the blizzard).  It's being worked on now. There was no previous need for brakes and we are unsure WHY his brakes failed. BUT we are VERY grateful for his life and his safety.

3) TODAY:
As Harry & I sat chatting before we went to work, a big bunch of ice and snow slid off the trees next door, onto our roof and fell off the side of the house. This is a frequent occurrance during winter, so no big deal, right? Just a big noise and a lot of snow on the ground, as usual. (we thought).
How'ere, about a 1/2 hour later as I was dressing from a shower before work, in my bedroom, I heard the weirdest sound. It was like a "gushing wind" and was coming from the ground just below my window where the ice and snow had previously fallen. I opened the snowy window and heard the sound of a runaway train. "OMG! Harry! Go check the gas meter!! I think the snow busted it and it's spewing GAS!!"
Sure enough, he came in and said: "We have to call 911!"
I jumped into jeans, boots and coat when the responder said "GET OUT OF THE HOUSE NOW!"
As I hooked my precious doggy, Monty onto his buckles, I had the sense to grab my cell phone and my gas bill and we took off for the outside.
The crisp beautiful snowy bright day was filled with the pungeant sulphuric smell of gas in the air.
I called the gas company, while Harry moved our car from the possibly imminent exploding house while the fire department came screaming up to our door.
Seven heavily armed firemen came to our rescue. They rolled out the fire hose and approached our house and had the hose aimed ready to cover the fireman with the meter as he entered our home and checked with his meter every room.  Over the course of an hour, in the freezing cold, investigated our home, inside and outside and in the basement. They had a heck of a time turning off the gas due to the cold weather and the frozen fittings. The regulator had been sheared completely OFF.  Also sheared off has been our gutter on the roof, the facia and some of the roof itself.
Bad news, YES.
HOWERE: 
a) We are SO lucky that we were here (again) when this happened. We were about to leave for work and both would've been gone for many hours and would've left our dear doggy at home. He would've been at risk indeed, and mayhaps, even dead by the time we got home had we not been alerted to the problem.
b) The gas meter broke ahead of the meter....and while we are sad all that gas spilled into the air, it was BEFORE our meter so we will not be charged for it!
c) Our homeowners insurance will cover the damages that will need to be fixed.
d) EXTRA FUN BONUS: The firemen, and the gas repairman did not damage Harry's Snow Castle in the front yard, but instead found great JOY in it! There was humor and delight in the absurd in the midst of terror. :)

As it is often said in the movie "The Gods must be Crazy"

"THE GODS ARE GOOD, MIMSAAB!"

Aye. So they are.

So we celebrate this awesome week of blessings and luck and are thankful for our home, our water, our vehicle, our lives and our doggy and our heat!

Have you hugged your local firemen or gas repair man today?
I DID!!

These are our unsung HEROES!!

Much love to you and yours!

Merlyn

Let the Mystery Be

You know, when I first got my Minister credentials in the mail after I signed up online, I thought the first service I would do would be a wedding ceremony. But it seems, the Universe had other plans. This last week saw me accept two minister calls.

One for the sick and One for the deceased.

These, indeed, are also duties of a minister and I did my best to heed those calls by (as Louise Hay puts it, "when in doubt, just answer the phone and open the mail.") and so I did.

Opening the mail, (email) I got a request to visit a friend in the hospital who was to be having major surgery, and told me "I put you on my visitor list as Spiritual Advisor." Wow. Here we go, and I was pumped.
I gathered up my crystals, smokeless smudge and set off to help in any way I could. I put my new "Clergy" tag on my lapel and went to her hospital bed. There were a couple other friends there, and as "there were two or more gathered" I had them join me in spirit as misted the room and my recovering friend with the smokeless smudge. The scent of sweetgrass and sage filled the air for a moment. I gave my friend a crystal to hold, and I did some Reiki, some imagery meditation and prayed for her outloud.
She seemed serene. She said she felt no pain afterward. If she did, she certainly didn't show it. I loved and hugged and kissed and we laughed and all visited and told some jokes. It felt good to be of service.

Then a few days later, I answered the phone and found the distraught voice of a friend I hadn't seen in years. She was contacting me to request that I run the funeral service for her mother who had just passed away suddenly. OK Universe, I threw it out there that I wanted to help, so I said I would.

I went to her mom's house the day before the funeral, and found the house to be so familiar. Like my mom's home so many years ago, it was full of cats, and fish tanks and the smell of cigarettes. I brought my crystals and sage again. I listened to the stories of the bereaved daughters and felt the underlying love that did abound, as my friend told me with red eyes all about her mother. With permission from her and her grieving sister, I cleansed the house with them, spritzing the sage solution in the air. The sweet scent permeated as we walked from room to room, thanking the mother for her life, and giving her permission to -stay or go- as she pleased. I finished the house cleanse with opening the door and letting the cold winter air in and letting the Spirit out.

The two house cats were very friendly with me. "That's so weird. They usually don't go to strangers." Said one of the daughters. I told the ladies that the pets too, would be grieving the loss of their caretaker. "They may be clingy or irritated, or may not know what they want. They may want to go in and out many times not knowing what they need. They are feeling her loss as well." The women nodded in agreement, although I don't think they had thought of that before, what with all the other arrangements they were in charge of now.

I then did some hands on Reiki on each of the grieving daughters to help calm them and give them some comfort. The feeling of human touch is so important and they needed it now, more than ever. I spoke of boundaries and shielding with the upcoming calling hours. I told them to shield themselves from the grief of others a bit, or else they would be too worn out at the end.

"Shields up, Mr. Zulu" as Captain Kirk would say" I said with a grin. "Oh, it's funny you would say that! Our mom was a big Star Trek fan!" Of course she was. I felt like I knew the mom, even though I had never met her. I went over my thoughts for a service with them, and they were pleased with the ideas. They gave me information to include with the eulogy and just before I left, another knock came at the door.

It was the next door neighbor and very best friend friend of the deceased woman. She was there as a part of the family too. I filled her in on the plans for the service and said, "Before I leave, I would ask if you would like some Reiki for healing before I go? You are welcome to it also." She said she certainly would like it.
So as I was doing some energy work on her, the house cat jumped up on her lap! "Yes. You too, may be included in the Reiki" I said, and included the cat as well during the neighbors energy session.

I left the house feeling like the people and pets there were calmer and able to face their day of planning the details of the next few days. I went home and wrote a eulogy and planned a service for a woman who did not have any major religion or particular faith. It seems I was chosen for this task perfectly by the Universe.

I created a program that contained some bolstering info about the deceased woman, and some Earthen ritual but without Deity commentary. I sited "the Universe" as the guide. I also included a call and response "prayer" like refrain of "We will remember her" as the response for the gathered mourners. I also included a cord ritual of tying and untying knots and the blowing out of a candle at the end. I would then finish the ceremony with a song, played by me and my husband Harry, by Iris Dement about the afterlife and what it may or may not be:

Let the Mystery Be

Everybody's wonderin' what and where they all came from.
Everybody's worryin' 'bout where they're gonna go when the whole thing's done.
But no one knows for certain and so it's all the same to me.
I think I'll just let the mystery be.

Some say once you're gone you're gone forever, and some say you're gonna come back.
Some say you rest in the arms of the Saviour if in sinful ways you lack.
Some say that they're comin' back in a garden, bunch of carrots and little sweet peas.
I think I'll just let the mystery be.

Everybody's wonderin' what and where they all came from.
Everybody's worryin' 'bout where they're gonna go when the whole thing's done.
But no one knows for certain and so it's all the same to me.
I think I'll just let the mystery be.

Some say they're goin' to a place called Glory and I ain't saying it ain't a fact.
But I've heard that I'm on the road to purgatory and I don't like the sound of that.
Well, I believe in love and I live my life accordingly.
But I choose to let the mystery be.

Everybody's wonderin' what and where they all came from.
Everybody's worryin' 'bout where they're gonna go when the whole thing's done.
But no one knows for certain and so it's all the same to me.
I think I'll just let the mystery be.
I think I'll just let the mystery be.

I got to the funeral home, and knelt down in front of the casket to introduce myself and to meet the Lady of the Hour and prayed for her. When I stood up and turned around, her daughters were there and I kissed and hugged them. "The well is dry" said my friend who had cried herself out of tears. Her sister hugged me and said, "Shields Up" and smiled at me. "Did that saying and that imagery help you today so far?"
"Oh YES. We've used it many times today."

And so this was what I did, last night, as I found myself standing by an open casket, for someone I did not know, but who chose me, it seems to lead her funeral service. I drew in a deep breath and began reading my scripted service to the 75-100 people gathered to be here for this woman and to celebrate her life and grieve their loss.

It went well. As an Empath, I had to really shield myself from the grief energy in the room in order to not tear up and get verklempt in order to deliver this service.

When all was said and done, I felt very good about it. It was as if, the lady in the casket was pleased with me. I got good feedback from the daughters who said the service was PERFECT for their mother and her beliefs. The mourners, too, were very grateful to me before they left, and one man in particular said, "That was a great program. I know this will sound like a strange compliment, but when I go, I want you to do my service." I thanked him and shook his outstretched hand.

And you know, when I thought about it later, that wasn't a strange compliment. It was probably the nicest one I've ever had in my life.

Afterward, the funeral director came up to me and told me how marvelous the ceremony was, and that "we get calls all the time for folks who do not want a religious service. Would you be interested in the future to perform this duty for others?"

So, say YES to the Universe. You never know what good you can do with your wild hair ideas. You never know who or what will come your way to help others. And we also never know what lies beyond for ourselves and our loved ones.

"Are you on Facebook?" asked a teenage girl there. "Yes, I'm a friend of your mom's. But I sometimes swear. A lot. Of course,  I know when and where to do such things...like NOT tonight, but sometimes I do. Be prepared, hon " and I laughed.
Then I said to the bereaved daughter who contacted me, "I mean, really, have you ever heard of a minister who swears??"
She laughed and said, "There's probably more than you know who do, but don't admit it." :

In the end of this missive of grand proprieties, I would say:
Breathe in this air that you have at your nostril tip at this very second.
BE GLAD and be very grateful for it.

Swear if you have to, and pray when you need to, and in the meantime....just BREATHE. :)

With love,
Rev. Merlyn :)

Deep Thoughts for a Wednesday morning

So, when you let your Inner Dude out to become more passive (the Yang to the Yin) - from my last post-
then you also have to let your Inner Goddess out to let it become more assertive too.
It's only fair and good to be balanced in all things.

Take for instance, my love and adoration of Doreen Virtue and Louise Hay.

As a writer myself, I am enamored of them very much for making a big splash in the publishing world, but more so, in the world of Metaphysical Healing and personal power.

As I said yesterday, I think about all kinds of things. I think about Angels and Archangels and whether or not they will ever show themselves to me again. I saw one once. It's in my book and it was the absolutely most amazing thing I've ever seen.

I think about people yes, and while my post about The Dude pondered pointed thoughts and helped me vent a bit of my more Yang feelings, the thoughts I get from Doreen and Louise's perspective help make me be more positive and hopeful.

Yet both of these philosophies are One with each other.

Sounds kinda Dude-like, too, Doesn't it?

To believe in each and every person, and situation as whole and complete now. That we can manifest our own realities.

Oh it gets heavier, man. From the Course in Miracles (some pretty heavy duty reading in itself) it basically says the we have the conception of Time because we believe that the Universe needs improving. So we invented Time, so that we could incrementally measure progress. How'ere, once we believe that the Universe (and our world, lives, situations) are whole and complete as they are and need no improving,
Time will cease to exist.

WOW. That's HUGE TOM THINKING.

So, in other words, that the person you think is messed up, may actually be happy there in the world of his own making. Once you believe that he is happy and does not need fixing, that you can let go of the need to change him to suit yourself and let him be, which let's you BE.

Because we are Human BE-ings.

That our lives are-as we have made them- (for some Cosmic or subconscious reason) and that once we envision them as perfect- they will manifest as such.

OK, I like this idea and it's a Lightworker's Guide to changing the World via Vibrational Thinking.

It may have some flaws (which, believe me,  I also ponder) including war, rape and pestilence....
But then again, if we believe that the world is a bad place... and that we are bad and need punishing....
then the vibration is sent out there for it to become reality.

Bad things do happen to good people. Yes, and good things do happen to bad people.
That one takes a lot of thought as to WHY must it be so.

But then again, we have had to execute labels (Good vs Bad) and have had to get a box to put all that judgmental blather in.

Hey, what if it's THE LABELS?

Maybe things aren't "Good" or "Bad" but that they are experiences of different kinds of vibrations that we, have for some reason, attracted.

We live in a world where the flapping of moth wings in Indonesia  may create storms on the other side of the world.

We live in a world where a baby's laughter can change a person's mood for the day or maybe their whole outlook on life.

We live in a world where a word can change a person's heart.

Manifesting starts by simply creating a better thought and then believing it..

Like, maybe your life isn't as bad as you think it is.
Maybe it's bad because you think it's bad.

Maybe the person who you think is totally selfish and conceited is actually happy inside being that way and that there is no need to change them. If  they need changing, they will change themselves.

We just have to make our life and our world the best it can be by manifesting good vibrations and living the best thought we can make for ourselves.
That we can create our own reality and make things different just by saying so.

Maybe a diet from the bad news of life and the constant pounding of negative thoughts would actually change the world into a better, healthier place if we only could spend the thought time on making it so.

Like....What do you think about YOU?

See what I mean?
Deep thoughts for a Wednesday morning. :)

Dudely Thoughts

It all started when I bought a new rug for my living room for a Christmas present to me. I found it and I just loved it. It made the whole room look great. I even found myself saying "It really pulls the room together."

Then a friend invited me to an "After the holidays Big Lebowski" themed party. But the event got canceled due to weather, so we all had to just "abide" and reschedule. Bummer Dude. Was really looking forward to it. I'd seen the movie a couple of times. The first time, I wasn't impressed. Which I guess is a common take for first timers. Then after having watching it a few more times, and pondering themes and symbols in it, I started to really groove on the Inner Meanings of the movie. The Dude has a lot going on that I can respect, know what I mean?

Then a friend asked me if I was ordained as a minister to do Earthen weddings. Well, no, I wasn't, but had always thought about it. It was like a bunch of freaking SIGNS. 

So on January 1, 2015 the first thing I did when I went online that day was to surf to www.themonsastery.org to become an insta-minister for such things. I even ordered my Ordination Credentials.

 

But wait, there's more. I didn't stop there. I went over to www.Dudeism.com and went and became a "Dudeist Priest" there as well. Because, well, I do a lot of programs for several Unitarian Universalist Churches, and I really love Theology. I'm growing and changing. I'm trying to be laid back more and more all the time. I feel like I'm a pretty kewl person, and tolerant of most people and cultures. And of course, my rug really pulled the room all together, so it was like yet another sign. 

Sent for those Ordination Credentials too.

Felt pretty damn good about it, so I kicked back and waited.

Waiting is good for the Soul.
People have often told me that I'm not a patient person. But really, man, if you only knew how fucking patient I truly am, you would know that I'm pretty fucking amazing patient, because when people cross the line on me, I usually cut them out breaks for a long time, you know? Then when I finally loose my kewl, they say that I was impatient. Oh hell no. I've just gotten to the point where they need to be in the world of pain that they created in my world. It's only fair, Dude. You pissed on my rug, then I will piss on yours.

Anyways, while I was kicking back, enjoying some greenery, hanging out having some Butter Beer (hey, I was in Florida at Universal so, I discovered that Butter Beer with a rum kick is the next best thing to a White Russian...) 

I realized something really friggin' important.

Like Dude, I know I've always been different than other people. See, I ponder shit that most other folks don't. Like what is God like, are Angels actually our Higher Self, did ancient cultures have aliens and influence evolution. Shit like that and more. I told someone the other day "I wonder psychologically about you."

Well, I do. I wonder about him, and I wonder about you, and I wonder about my family members, my co-workers,  the World, the Universe, myself, and even my dog,  and I wonder why the fuck they (we) all do the shit we do.

Don't you?

Like why do some folks profess one thing and then do another just the opposite?
That one has me baffled the most of all in my life and I'm still trying to get a daily handle on it.

Like, I tried to figure out my friend who cried all day in a dark room on a gorgeous day with friends all around to play with, and when asked "What's wrong?" many times, she just sniffled and wiped tears and said she was "Fine."
"Are you sick?? Can we do anything for you??"
"No, I'm fine."
"OK then, but I'm pretty sure you aren't fine, but if you say so...." And she said she was, and I asked repeatedly, then I figured she was just working something out, so I left her to her tears just like she wished.

Or like, I try to figure out someone at work that I know, who reads and professes all kinds of Alternative Energy Healing with Crystals and Angels and Positive Affirmation, but who absolutely hates everyone she comes into contact with and won't talk to them or have conversations with them.

It kind of all blows my fucking mind.

Now, I'm not saying I'm perfect here, Dude, cuz I'm NOT.
I'm a mess of conundrums myself. I had a long conversation with my husband yesterday, and said about myself, "I just think about philosophical shit all the fucking time. Like, don't YOU?"

And he said, like, he didn't. He likes to ponder schematics instead. OK, well, that's like some sort of Sacred Geometry in my mind. But then I went on about another friend that is an enigma to me, "Like why would someone enjoy playing a part, loving a subject totally, then tell you they don't believe in it, and don't think about it? I mean, Dude, like, by association, if some person loved drawing engines, for instance, and he thought about gears and shit all the time, and he could tell you all about the working mechanics of a machine...then told you, after all that... they tell you that they think it's all crap and they don't believe the thing works...doesn't that prove that they really DO believe in it, regardless of what they say?!"

"Most people are into their TV and surfing the web. They don't think about this. You are in the low minority, Dude" is what my husband said.

"But Dude, I think people are EVOLVING. But yah, there are others standing still or devolving, I guess..." I pondered outloud.

I had a dream last night about another friend of mine. A very kewl harper. He's pretty laid back and a Dudeist Priest too, even if he doesn't have the kewl documentation, he IS one. For REAL.
In my dream, he had on antlers and was dressed like some sort of Mystic Horned God with jewels and held my hand and said he was "going into my psyche to help me "find out what you remember."

Kewl beans. I was excited! For I dearly want to know- what I know- that I'm not telling myself.

The Mystic did some sort of deep Vulcan mind meld and then handed me back my hand with a sad shake of his head and said, "You are blocked from knowing" and he then curled up into his Dark Crystal kneeling prayer stance and went back into his meditation.

Well, shit. I was kinda hoping that I'd get some word from me -through him- as to why the fuck I keep thinking these Great Philosophical Questions. I mean, I'm just bizarre as shit like this and now, I see it goes Bone Deep. Or Pysche Deep and most people think I'm fucked up. While I think they may be fucked because they can't hear it, feel it or try to live it.

I also had some real time conversations with two other friends over the weekend, and they both said that they "don't think about any of this shit. Like what the Meaning of Life is, or what their particular Life Purpose is, or what they should do with their year ahead or even How they Affect the Planet or the Universe."

I was crestfallen.
Really???
I thought everyone thinks about this shit. They don't????
They just turn the station up louder when this crap hits their cranium?

Or even weirder....How the hell have I become associated with people who are so dead inside to all this profound shit???
Why are they my friends? I don't get them, and obviously, they don't "get me."
So "shut the fuck up, Donny."

I can't fucking tune it out. It's too loud already.

So, I'm just trying to kick back and listen and go with the flow and keep thinking these Profound Thoughts and keep doing my Deep Analyzing, like some sort of Cosmic Detective, because, well, when it comes down to it,

and I really need to keep being myself. Whoever the fuck that is.
Even if I am one of the weirdest creatures I know of.

Maybe some Credence will help.
Click here to listen to some Creedence, Dude.

Catch ya on down the road.....

Our Town

In my first post here in this bright and shiny new blogspot, I wanted to talk about gratefulness.

This last year, I wrote and published my first book. It was a simply amazing process. Writing your true life experiences down, whether for publishing, or for pure self exploration never to be published and seen by others, is an extremely edifying catharsis.

You are able to look back at your life, from the safety of the future, and see things in a new and different light. The light of time that has passed. You can see the child or person you were, and you can have sympathy for that person. You can also realize maybe that you were an idiot sometimes, or that you were gregarious beyond your means. You can also have empathy for the folks who were around you. You can also see monsters in the light of day.

I would HIGHLY recommend that anyone reading this...that YOU, who are reading this, write your memoir. Start by opening a Word Document and begin with writing out a memory.
ANY memory.
It doesn't matter what you remember, just imagine it with as much detail, sound, sight and actions that you can muster.
Really relive that particular moment, whether it's just petting a cat or a car journey.
Remember the sights and feelings and scents.
Relive it fully!

There may be laughter. There may be tears. There may be fear. There may be great love.

But this memory is YOURS and yours alone. Share it or don't share it.

Then write another memory on another day.
File this memory in your Word Document and put it before or after your first story.
This is how you start to amass YOUR STORY, which will take shape before your very eyes.

Something MAGICKAL will happen.

You will see yourself....and others.....through new eyes.
Through eyes that have seen much more than the day that event happened to you.

In a way, it's much like one of the last scenes in the play "Our Town" (which I always hated, btw).
One of the characters, Emily, now dead, goes back to relive her 12th birthday. She finds it too painful to relive and regrets much of her life, which had gone unpondered and unlived while living.

If you really think your life sucks right now....then I would suggest this exercise:

Think of yourself in the grave.

The quiet. The dark. The cold. The silence. 

What would you be doing different if you had the chance to breathe again?

What situation or life experience would you savor if you only could?

Is there anything you would change if you could?

Life is for living my dearie darlings. While Emily in the play didn't like looking back, nor did she like what she found, she DID find that people should be grateful for THIS DAY.

And I found when looking back in my book, that there was much to learn and I am grateful for all I went through, learned and experienced!

There is MUCH joy in every person, place and event. Just think about it as if you weren't allowed to be there, if you were instead, cold in a grave, how sweet and delicious this particular moment would be if you weren't allowed it. Ebeneezer Scrooge felt this way as he cried on his imagined grave. He thought of what a dumb, selfish shit he'd been, and vowed to change.

It is a Powerful Exercise indeed. For Your Life, when pondered, changes from disgust and regret into beauty and HOPE. The possibilities are ENDLESS.

Aye, the grave can wait for me.

But in the meantime....I will LIVE life to the fullest.

Emily, Scrooge and I all approve if you will only do the same.

Remember.....the "Present" is a GIFT.