If someone were to ask you this, you may at first tell them your name. "I'm so and so". But that's just a name. It isn't WHO you are.
Maybe you'd tell them what you do or where you live...but then again, those are just what you do and location info...not WHO you are.
Maybe you will be able to recant your life story or tell all the people you are connected to...but it still doesn't come close to WHO you are.
You know. The one behind your eyes. The one that is inside. Even if something tragic were to ever happen to you, and your body was not even what you or others would recognize as "you" ....you would still be YOU inside. Stephen Hawking found that out the hard way.
I read a lot. Mostly self help books and do it yourself kind of books. I used to read a lot of fiction, and I still enjoy it on the big screen, but fiction to me is not as helpful.
I want to know me. Like I've been trying to figure me out for a long, long time. Almost 55 years now. And sometimes I'm amazingly brilliant, and sometimes I'm a quivering mass of jello. And this got me thinking....
You know that guy that talks to himself on the street? You know the one. He's carrying on a wild conversation and he answers his own questions. Probably schizophrenic or crazy, right? I mean, that's the first thing that goes on in your mind, isn't it? That and "OMG. I'm so glad I'm not like that guy."
But WE ARE LIKE THAT GUY.
Except we don't talk outloud, most all human beings have that running dialog going on, in their head, almost every second of the day!
It goes like this:
"I really should get ready to go."
"But you've got like 20 minutes yet."
"Yah, but I don't know what to wear."
"You will look great no matter what you wear."
"Oh yah, right. I'm 100#s overweight."
"No you aren't. If you were, you'd be anorexic or bulimic."
"Well, I'm fat."
"Well, you don't get enough exercise."
"That's true. I used to like to exercise...but now I'd rather read."
"Will you just get going now? You have like only 5 minutes left and you haven't even had breakfast."
"Mmmm...breakfast. But we don't have any eggs..."
and on it goes. We talk to ourselves almost every freaking minute. God forbid your husband or boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't call you when they said they would. Then the self talk can get ugly and vicious and paranoid. "Why don't they call? What did I do? I'm sure they are with someone else they like better...Oh what the hell is wrong with me, they are just a little late. They'll be here soon. No they won't they hate you. You are just being dramatic. They love you. They love you terrible bad. They're just an idiot. Why do I always pick idiots for those close to me? Do I like being stood up? NO. I would never do that to a person. But maybe I have and didn't mean to. Maybe that's what's happening now...."
Back and forth and so it goes. A 100 miles a minute. And we don't even realize we are doing it half the time. We talk to ourselves when we are driving in the car, waiting on a bus, trying to go to sleep...that's the worst one of all...Has this scenario ever happened to you?
"Oh man, (check clock) it's like 3:30am. I can't sleep. This off and on sleep is awful. Freaking menopause. Hot too. Maybe if I just try working out that problem I'll get myself to figure it out while I'm awake. No good. It's just making me more anxious. Maybe I should get up and read a book. No, I'm too tired. Crap it's like 5am now. I've got a big meeting today! Of fer fuck's sake. Zzzzzzzzzz."
Then the alarm rings right about the time you just fell back to sleep once you got tired of your inner dialog.
Look, we all do this stuff. Just think if there was an actual person sitting next you, telling you all this stuff instead of it being all bottled up in your head. After about a day of it, even if you loved them, you'd tell them to shut the fuck up!
And so should we.
I asked my husband about all this self talk and he doesn't see a problem with it. That's because he doesn't actually do the chatter as incessantly as I do. NO. He runs schematics. TRULY. He runs fucking schematics or plays Free Cell games in his head.
Honey, you and your hobbies.
But then again, he isn't as pendulum swinging wild as I can be either, because he doesn't listen to his self talk because he doesn't do much of it. He's learned to tone it down or eliminated it.
Sometimes, I do mantras or chants or prayers. This helps self talk shut up, because I've introduced something for my brain to do.
This one is very good: It's catchy and I like it. I do it in the tanning booth sometimes while. (muscle past the advertisement to get to the good stuff)
Sa Re Sa Sa Mantra
It's very, very good for calming the mind and finding Center. Or Shakti. Spirit. What'ere you want to call it.
The constant inner dialog has been portrayed as being like that proverbial Angel and Devil on our shoulder.
But our Inner talk sometimes is just bullshit. It's not an Angel, nor a Devil. It changes sides in an instant. You can't trust it sometimes. One minute it's hating one thing and then it's loving it just a few seconds later. It's a poser.
No, WHO we are is the one BEHIND all that talk. The best thing to do to start trying to control it, in order to minimize it and then eliminate is to just OBSERVE IT when you are doing it.
Be the Observer. Just become AWARE that we are doing this inner self talk. Watch yourself go through the emotions. Watch the activity of your brain, sit back inside it, and watch it happen.
Which of course, makes me think of Mystery Science Theater...with...
"The Observer."
You know, that weird mysterious cloaked guy that holds his brain in a bowl and just "observes" life.
Yah.
HIM.
Brain Guy.
That's who we are. INSIDE. Or at least that's who we SHOULD be. If we could only fucking LISTEN.
That way we can look at what our brain is doing and note how repetitious we are and how we loop on ourselves. If we could only just enjoy life instead of reacting to emotions and getting caught in our self talk.
Instead, though, our Inner Dialog is much like some of the other characters in the Fredian book of Life VIA
Mystery Science Theater.:
Id: Professor Bobo, Tom Servo, Crow- total impulse and instinctual to get whatever they need.
Running mouth dialog, pleasure seekers...can justify damn near anything....and demands that you fix it!
Ego: Pearl Forester, seeks pleasure, avoids pain, and sets up strategies to do so.
Ego usually drives the bus! YAH.
"Ego is not your AMIGO."
Super ego: Mike Nelson, always putting the moral judgement spin on things.
He's always trying to make sense of life. Whatever life throws at him.
Not always successful.
Who we are? We are all these characters in some way...
but if we really want to shut our inner unproductive dialog the fuck up, maybe we should just
be more like the Brain Guy.
When you get caught up in emotions...just be aware of the self talk. Watch it. Don't participate in it.
Just OBSERVE what you are doing. Avoiding something painful? Just be aware that there is pain.
Just sit inside, behind your eyes, and watch the antics of the characters of your mind and what they DO.
For now...that is enough.
Just to be aware.
Just to OBSERVE.
And let it go.
And now, it's time for the Movie! I wonder what it will be?
:)
